Spirit of Eden by Talk Talk. The Suburbs by Arcade Fire. current jamz.

I enjoy having the house to myself for the most part. I feel like I could use some company but I think I often overestimate the therapeutic value of solitude. I had a great weekend in Arlington. Jon is going to Harvard law school in three weeks. That kid is going places. In eighth grade he sat in front of me in history. We both listened to Thursday. We've always been kindred spirits. In high school they declared him special needs, his handwriting was so bad they made him use this portable keyboard thing to type everything out, ha! God I admire him. He just decides what he wants to do and fucking goes for it. People actually do that? Apparently so.

I have brief moments occasionally when I wonder if I'm ever going to stop dicking around and take life seriously. But I mean that's the thing about Jon, its not a big deal to him, he's not a martyr like everyone else seems to be. I keep coming to that conclusion lately. That breakdown of ego. People with that attitude always seem to have it together anyway. Who knows.

I've always had an ego problem. That's, if not, my biggest problem. But during the most recent echelon of my emotional development I like to think that I have gained some humility.

I also saw Ben this weekend. Our 10-some odd minute exchange was bittersweet. I was the one who built a fucking wall. Sorry 'bout that, Ben. I am at peace to know your life is going well.

Jess seems OK. Stuck, but hopeful. She'll pick herself back up, she'll have to learn how, but I have faith in her. We all have to learn how to play the cards we're dealt. She has a particularly challenging set of circumstances to navigate through. She's stronger than she knows.

good night and good luck.

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The world gets smaller every day, but it'll always be infinite. But it's when new experiences are happening less and less often that maybe you can kinda look into yourself ya know? I think I'm on the right route back to accepting myself though.

I'm listening to sleigh bells - treats, and an old favorite animal collective - feels.

everything is ok. even though some things are hard, you eventually learn to do them, and they are still hard, but at least you know how to do them.

But I miss having friends.

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dragon queen yeah yeah yeahs its blitz. yes.

I don't like how exposing facebook feels. I dont know why blogs don't feel as exposing. maybe because I have control in the moment of what I express. I dunno. Also my parents, relatives, coworkers and past/present classmates all have access to my facebook. I feel like the internet isn't a special place where I want to be anymore. It's like TV. When it first came out it was amazing to everyone and families would schedule events together to sit and watch TV, and now 80 years later it alienates families. Granted the internet has only been around for like 10, but time also moves faster now. When the internet came out it was amazing because it became a venue for fast uncensored unbias free communication. Its not so much like that anymore. The FCC needs to get it together. srsly.

my pets are adorable. I can't stop thinking that/telling everyone about it. I am going to be awful when I have kids. I tell everyone that I am never going to have kids. I am lying. I wonder why I do that.

It's bills season. suck city.

I am in a social mood tonight but I have to get up way early. hate it when that happens.

I am sweepy.

red house painters.

I am going to make a point from now on when blogging here or elsewhere to mention my current jamz.

LOVE this new house. Pretty much just getting reacquainted with what it's like to live in a house as opposed to an apartment. and I love it. New landlord is the chillest ever. I think the landlord kinda makes or breaks the living arrangement. Well and room mates. But I love my room mates. I thought it would make me hate Aaron at first but I don't at all. Love that guy. And John is pretty cool. He's never around though. Always have one of those I guess.

anyway I really am sweepy.

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IT IS CALLED FEAR AND IT'S SEEING A GREAT RENAISSANCE

This level of happiness really is beyond my comprehension.

I've been through so much emotional trauma recently, yet I'm coming out of this depression that I've been stuck in for about a year and a half. Maybe that's what it takes? Although I think that if it wasn't for Doug I'd be even worse off at this point.

I love him. I more than love him. It feels so fresh, new, real. And he hasn't really done anything directly to change me except to love me back, which is perhaps the purest way to be a catalyst for change. Sure, Ben loved me back... but not in the ways that I needed. He loved me because I was his first love.

This kind of love is nothing like love has ever been for me in the past. NOT that I would ever denigrate any of my past loves, they all mean so much to me and have shaped me into who I am today... But this love is a kind of love I wasn't even aware existed until it started happening. It feels adult. That's the best way I could describe it. As if this is what real, honest, mature love is supposed to feel like. Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I was always the first love for the others. But I am ready to move on from that, because the distinction between first love and true love is probably an important one to make.

I have also been a lot stronger of a person in recent months than I ever have been. I have forced myself to look inwards and make important changes in my life, and honesty just makes everything feel better... more authentic. Adult.

Dealing with the abortion has been tumultuous. I had to make that decision so quickly and be confident that it was the right one. But I have little regret about it. Other than that of my own irresponsibility in preventing myself from having to go through that decision making process. I was fairly confident in my political stance on that issue, and now my actions as they turned out in such a reactionary mode have confirmed it.

When I found out, I went to Meredith first. She was the perfect person to go to because of her amazing ability to unbiasly present all sides of an argument (although Meredith and I tend to butt heads as room mates, intellectually we get along like no other). Doug was the only other person I told before making my decision. Because I, of course, felt that he should have been able to be involved in the decision making process. Although I was already leaning towards abortion, together we decided it would be the best thing for both our futures.

I really am OK now. More than OK. Very optimistic about my new future, and new found passion for being ALIVE!

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I had a panic attack/almost a seizure the other night. I made Meredith stay up with me for a few hours, we almost went to the hospital. It happened twice. I was shaking so bad I couldn't speak or walk or hold a glass of water. I was sweating and my chest was tightening up, then every once in a while these cold, sharp waves of pain shot through my body. My body hates me. I didn't cry.

I'm alone in these crowded places. Even my apartment is crowded now. It's nice to know so many people love you, but when you know they don't really know you that well, it's hard to feel as good.

Someday I'll learn how to let go and be myself.

Doug might still be in love with his ex. That's OK with me. I think. They dated for 2 years, then were off and on for another year which ended in May. That's not that long ago. Oh well. I don't ask about it because it's not my business.

I do want to be loved, though. Ben loved me. But I didn't love him. That's always how it works, unfortunately. Love is fickle. Or it can be if you don't know how to do it right...

I think I can see how to do it right, but I can also see how hard that is to do.

I don't believe in marriage. And commitment at this point is just unrealistic, too young. Too restless. Too unstable, too incredibly unstable. Young love is sweet because it's naive, but I imagine a love where two people truly learn to understand and coexist with one another is way way better. Ben and I came close to that at times, in the beginning. But you know... he wanted to settle down and although some weird instinct in me went along with that, but really... I don't. It will be quite a while before any settling occurs.

I'm still a little baby. I'm still never satisfied. And I won't give that up until it's the right time. Repressing feelings is never the way to go.

But, goddamnit Doug, call me back and give me some satisfaction, will ya???? I'm going loco here.

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I worry about whether or not this is a bad idea.

I suppose it doesn't matter. Everything is a grey area. I stay when I want to stay and I go home when I want to go home. That's perfect, right? He doesn't seem to mind, I don't seem to mind. We don't need to call it anything. Hell, it's summer.

People put way too much stock into the definitions of relationships. Living with Meredith has taught me to lay back and just let things be as they are. Granted we are both learning that lesson concurrently, but somehow being around her makes me realize and appreciate the way I am, or the way I am when I'm truly happy.

I'm 21. I'm a lost college kid. I'm not looking for another serious relationship, I've got much bigger ambitions to nurture. Not looking to get my heart broken, or break anyone else's. I don't want heart. Not yet. Been there, done that... twice. My heart is tired. It can't move. Paralyzed. Really, literally, exhausted.

And as far as him? He's in the same place. He's been there and done that too. So I don't need to walk on eggshells.
THANK GOD

Ben is a fantastic guy and our relationship was a deep well of emotion, and a great time... but he wore me out. He was intense. Dramatic. Wound tight... so I untied myself and was free.

I chit chatted with him on facebook the other night. Nothing serious at all, just giving him an update, told him about my wreck and just some trivial things about my dog and room mate. He called me immediately after, upset, saying "how dare you talk to me?"
I told him I was just trying to be friendly.
I said I didn't want to fight and he asked, "Why not?"
I sighed and said, "I just don't want to fight. It's not what I do. I'm done fighting you."

To him, if I wasn't intensely debating every aspect of our relationship it meant I didn't care. To me, the feelings I did have were diluted with these arguments, and there was so much pressure everywhere that it's no wonder I cracked. If there was any sort of lingering heartache over him, it's gone now. That conversation summed up exactly why I was done with that relationship.

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